Mina & Kap's Whatever-Day Afternoon Tailgate: April Fools' Day Edition!

Welcome to this special edition of Sunday Afternoon Tailgate celebrating the non-holiday of all non-holidays: April Fools' Day!

And what's better for April Fools' Day than some foolish recipes brought to you by some very foolish people . . . ?

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Fool's Buffet

TAILGATE SUET

Yes, this is a "before" picture.

Sitting in front of the window, watching the nuthatches and chickadees fly in and out of the feeder has given me the greatest culinary breakthrough in the history of Sunday Afternoon Tailgate. If suet blocks are good enough for birds, why can't they be good enough for us tailgaters? The answer is in this protein-rich, high-fiber, high-fat tailgate treat. To really enjoy this, you must approach it the way the birds do, fluttering in for a taste and then heading off again to catch the second half of the game. It's sure to keep your guests coming back for more--especially if they are avian. 

- Kap

• 1 1/2 lbs. fresh Mutton Fat (you can use Crisco in a pinch)
• 1 c. Rolled Oats (because fiber is important)
• 1/4 c. Sauerkraut (I used Bavarian-style kraut with caraway seeds and brown sugar)
• 1/4 lb. Processed Cheese Food (who doesn't love almost-cheese?)
• 2 large handfuls of Bacon, cooked and crumbled (Bacon!)
• 1 6 oz. package of Imitation Krab (because why throw your money away on the real thing?)
• 1/2 c. Lucky Charms Cereal (minus the crunchy bits--just get your sous chef to pick out the multicolored marshmallows)
• Whatever leftover Chinese Takeout you happen to have on hand (just toss it all in!)
• 1 TBSP Lime Juice (to prevent scurvy!)
• 1 tsp. Tabasco (because everything tastes better with hot sauce)
• Salt and Pepper, to taste
• A squirt of 10W-40 (to add viscosity and lubrication)
• 1 6-pack of the cheapest Beer you can find at your nearest CITGO station (strictly for drinking during assembly) -- if you can't find a CITGO station, Exxon or Sunoco will do.

Mix together in a giant amorphous lump and hang carefully from the ceiling with a sturdy hook so that guests can stroll over at their leisure and take delicate bites.

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BAIT-AND-TACO BOX

Fish tacos are such a trendy thing to order at any restaurant these days, and studies have proven that most Americans are low in their Omega-3s. Let's try to rectify that situation by offering a truly gourmet spin on the fish taco this spring!

- Miiiner

Artist's representation--actual results may vary.

• Crunchy Corn Taco Shells 
• Live Bait, from wherever you can get it.  Wade in a couple of streams, dig up your neighbor's geraniums for some earthworms--you do you, pal. You do you
• Crisco--because you need to grease these bad boys before they slide down your gullet
• 1 roll Artisanal Butcher-Paper
• 1 Sturdy Tackle Box, because you're gonna need to transport these to your favorite picnic spot to share with all of your friends! 

Grease the inside and the outside of the taco shells with Crisco. 

Dump all the bait you've got into the taco shells.  Don't worry about washing it--dirt and pond scum are good sources of fiber! 

Wrap taco shells in artisanal butcher-paper, and place inside tackle box (because otherwise the little bait critters will escape!) 

Enjoy! 

Drive to a hospital, and enjoy the dish a second time as it repeats on you with the aid of some Syrup of Ipecac (optional). 

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DRINK RECOMMENDATION: STRYCHNINE AND SODA

After dining on the above dishes, this cocktail is the last drink you'll ever need!

- Kap & Mina

• Strychnine
• Club Soda
  

Seriously, just eyeball it.

Stir well. Garnish with a lemon peel. Induce vomiting.

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A couple of April Fools!

All recipes listed above come from the mind of famed television chef Gordon Ramsay. (Okay, not really. Please don't sue us!) 

If you try one of these recipes . . . well, that's your own stupid fault for not understanding the purpose of April Fools' Day, and you incur the unfortunate gastrointestinal consequences. Seriously.